Friday, January 10, 2014

It's Just a Stage

I am so far behind on blogging.  I have wanted to blog like a zillion times since last time, and I haven't had time to bang anything out on this computer.  I decided I just need to pick a topic on my mind and get one done.  So, here goes.

I was talking with the Lord this morning about life.  You know, big picture version this time instead of specific trials.  One thing He impressed upon me lately is that as moms, we need to encourage each other more that sometimes, "it is just a stage."  You know, a short amount of time that children adopt a new quirk or irritating habit or bad attitude that may feel like an eternity...but it's just a stage they are going through.  It is not the end of the precious child we once knew or the beginning of their road toward delinquency.  Just a stage.  I remember hearing that phrase used much more often when I was growing up than it is now.  I don't know if people think it is old fashioned or untrue now or what.  I just think we could take a lot of encouragement by keeping that in mind.  That is not to excuse parents from dealing with their children's new bad habits or disciplining them when they are wrong.  I'm talking about when your kid is pushing your buttons about something that is driving you crazy, and you have done and are doing everything in your power to set him/her on the correct course when the kid is hell bent on doing his/her own thing.  I think I got really discouraged during the baby fog years because I was tired from the baby yet dealing with a strong willed toddler while living in a world of people convinced that if I read the book and fixed my parenting that I would truly have a new kid by Friday.  Well, I read that book and realized I had already tried most of those methods.  I tried again anyway.  I tried the new concepts too.  None worked.  Friday came around, and my kid had not made the promised progress.  So I must have been doing something wrong.  My best efforts to be a mother must not have been as good as other mothers whose children were different by Friday.  One thing I've found is that the older I get and further along my walk with the Lord I get, the more creative Satan gets at the ways he tries to derail me.  I don't always notice his new disguises and tricks.  His lies are the same though.  I read a post this week by Ann Voskamp that said, "The enemy of your soul only has two battle plans for this year: 1. Blind you to who God is. 2. And blind you to who you are."  That's so true.  He is full of lies, and he dresses them up in new ways to attack us to accomplish one of those two purposes.

One thing that is ever so present when I have babies is how big God is.  My view of how awesome God is is magnified as I look at these tiny precious creatures who are totally dependent on me for everything to live.  How He created these bundle of joy and allowed them to grow inside of me and got them out and in my arms...miracle.  So, it's hard for Satan to mess with my view of God in those times.  I ought to expect him to mess with the way I see myself, but the fog numbs the mind so that I guess I just forget how he works.

I was still in fellowship with the Lord and having time with Him (albeit not quiet...2 full years of not quiet), but that baby fog really takes a toll on me.  I lose my ability to process and apply what I know the way I can at other times.  It is much like being totally frustrated looking for glasses when the whole time they are on your head.  You've got everything you need, yet you just can't have it together. I'm so glad God is patient with me and He gently loves me through the times that I'm not functioning as well as I need to be.

I desperately needed to hear somebody say, "it's just a stage."  My baby fog had me discouraged and thinking my strong willed child would remain rebellious and even mean at times forever and it was totally my fault.  I thought I was raising a hellion.  This beautiful creature that God gave me would no longer be all I had dreamed he would be.  Satan gets in there and whispers all sorts of fears and insecurities in us as parents.  When I'm not in baby fog, I can see how he messes with other moms...he just attacks them differently than he does me because he knows what gets them in a tizzy too.

The joy of "it's just a stage" is that when that stage is over, you can see clearly.  "I can see clearly now the rain is gone...."  Yeah.  Now, that precious child that I was afraid would be warped forever on his way to juvenile delinquency has moved on from that stage.  You heard me.  He left it behind.  Did I magically do anything as a parent that made it stop?  No.  It was just a stage.  Did I try everything in my power and rack my brain for anything else I could have done differently to change him?  You bet I did. I spent close to 2 years tied up in knots feeling like a failure as a mother over a stage.  You'd think this was my first time around the block.  This was my 2nd kid though!  Not even my first!  I've got to get this phrase planted in my mind and keep it in mind parenting this third child and getting ready for the next hard stages with all 3 of them.

My now 4 1/2 year old strong willed little boy has matured in leaps and bounds in the last few months.  Where I was afraid he was behind, he has finally hit his maturity growth spurt and left the stage of meanness and mischievousness behind.  He now laughs more and is funny and is very caring towards all of us the way I wanted him to be 2 years ago.  He got there in his own time.  I don't want to say we had nothing to do with it.  We did do our best to discipline him and use every opportunity to tell him how Jesus wants us to act and treat others.  I'm just here to say to any weary moms that there is hope!  It may just be a stage!  Keep doing what you know to do to train your child, but rest in the fact that it may just take time and maturity for your kid to do any better!  Pray for them, and have faith that God will do the good work in your child that He promises!

My sweet middle child has become less obstinate and more considerate.  And, breakthrough of all breakthroughs, he even is starting to get his need for a Savior!  At bedtime the other night, his little brother was being loud and ugly during storytime and prayer time.  Middle child joined in (that was a big part of the problem so long...he would act as his little brother all the time instead of his age).  Daddy got on to both of them.  Middle child burst into tears.  Now, tears up to this point have been because of getting in trouble.  This time, he told his Daddy that he was sad he did wrong.  What?  We've been trying to get him to realize this for over 2 years!  He was sad over his behavior instead of being caught for it!  Yay!  We are praying that it won't be long before he accepts Jesus as his Savior.  The first step is realizing he's a sinner.  He is on his way.

This precious child is voluntarily going to bed at night when he always fought it before.  He is consoling his little brother when he is upset instead of trying to cry louder to get attention himself.  He is excited about going to Kindergarten next year and doing everything we ask of him to be ready.  Our consistency (even when we thought it was doing zero good) and prayers are producing results.  We could not force him to leave his bad behavior behind (despite any punishments or rewards systems), but he is growing out of it.  It was just a stage.  Whew!

Seriously, you just can't believe the joy in my heart over the last month or so seeing this change in my child.  It is a relief that I just cannot find words to explain.  Maybe I'm not the worst mother on the planet after all.  Maybe I was doing everything right.  (Probably not, but at least more right than wrong I know).  I look back and I see that God was trying to get me to realize this all along the way, but the baby fog had me believing Satan's lies more than the tender voice of God.  I believed God...don't get me wrong.  I just was too tired physically and mentally to put much faith into claiming what God was telling me.

Here is my point of this blog...what I want you to take away from this.  If you are a weary mother trying to do everything right by God's Word for your kids and you see no fruit, don't lose heart.  It may just be a stage.  Do what you know to do...what God leads you to do...and accept that that is all that is expected of you.  Your situation does not have to look like that of your friend's who seems to be the perfect parent.  They have their own battles they are facing that look nothing like yours.  What works for one may not work for another.  You need to embrace the words that it is only a stage.  It is not the end of the world as you know it.  You may feel like you are losing the battle.  You are NOT losing the war though.  Kids are different and respond to life differently from one another.  It broke my heart that my sweet child that I managed to sandwich in between two brothers as the notoriously pegged middle child spent two years seemingly mad at the world 75% of the time.  He is happy 95% of the time now.  He is not scarred for life.  He is past whatever horrible stage he was stuck in for so long, and life is good.  My heart is full from thankfulness to the Lord for being out of that stage and into this new wonderful life!  Just in time for child #3 to pick up where he left off.  Oh joy.  But my heart is not burdened this time...I know it is just a stage.  I am not looking forward to the battles ahead with another stubborn and mean toddler, but I am giving more grace and responding patiently.  It is just a stage.  He is gonna get in trouble for being mean and acting ugly, but if he is anything like his brother, it will not phase him one bit.  In fact, he just came up and pinched me for no reason.  Yep.  Instigator of meanness.  I have confidence this time around though that we will survive this stage.  It will try us.  It will frustrate us.  However, I am embracing those words.  It is just a stage.  So, judge us if you see us if you choose.  That is on you.  I'm not gonna let it bother me.

Philippians 1:6, "Being confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."