Introduction to My Purpose Part Two: Radical and Life Changing

Glorious Friday!  I haven’t wished my week away, but I’m glad Friday has arrived.  As I told you yesterday, I went to the Women’s “dotMom Conference” this past weekend put on by Lifeway, so I got behind around the house.  I’m thankful for a half day of school today for my oldest, and a weekend ahead full of fun and rest.

I always know that I have to keep pressing on despite the obstacles because something better is around the corner.  The spiritual warfare started a full week before I left for the conference, and Satan pulled out his best weapons against me along the way.  However, I dragged my tired and stressed out self on anyway.  Before the point in the weekend that really was pivotal in my life, I was on the phone telling Eric I would just as soon curl up in a chair and sleep in the lobby as go to the breakout session.  I am thankful at times like these that I have a deeply engrained sense not only of right and wrong but also of getting my value out of my dollars spent.  So, I found a chair by myself near the back at the end of the row to see if this guy, David Thomas, had anything good to teach me about “Understanding the Emotional Development of Young Children.”  I had never heard of him, but apparently he is an accomplished author and counselor in Nashville.  I sat through two of his sessions…the second called “Wild Things…The Art of Nurturing Boys.”  Little did I realize what was happening then would result in having a renewed sense of purpose and a desire to do something radical in my life.  This was the beginning of a long fog of raising babies lifting to reveal what is next in my life. 

As I sat and listened to this guy talk, I had a huge realization hit me.  I already knew most of what he was saying.  I already was doing some of what he recommended and had just forgotten about a few golden nuggets of which he reminded me.  I don’t add this to say I know it all or what I’m doing.  Not at all.  I add this because it was at that point that I realized that I am indeed NOT a failure as a mother.  I realized that somewhere in the drudgery of changing diapers and cleaning up spills and wiping noses and saying “NO!” for the millionth time in the 4 years it took to get Mark to 4 and Nathaniel to 2, I lost my confidence.  It was so gradual that I didn’t know it happened.  Like the frog in the boiling pot, my circumstances had chipped away at my confidence for so long that I was left defeated.  Add in mommy guilt, comparison to other moms, and the emotional issues of just simply being a woman, and I was just a mess.  Now, God has been trying to get this through to me for a very long time.  I’m unfortunately just as stubborn as my children are at times, and I had gotten comfortable with my pity party condition of “woe is me.”  Sometimes, change and good requires some work and effort, and I had just been too tired and worn out to even embrace them when they were presented.   I think the big difference this time was a simple prayer I prayed during one of the large group sessions.  The music leader was talking about not being spiritually asleep.  I thought to myself…”I don’t think I’m spiritually asleep.  I try to get listen for what God has to say through His Word, through other people, through sermons and lessons, etc.  I certainly haven’t had my head stuck in the sand…I’ve felt God’s presence and seen Him moving in my life.  So, surely I’m not spiritually asleep.  But I’ll pray anyway.”  So, I prayed that if somehow I was indeed spiritually asleep (cause, I mean, I WANTED to be physically asleep for sure), I wanted God to awaken me so that I wouldn’t miss anything.  I believe He answered this prayer by helping me process better what I had heard all weekend.  There did seem to be a fog that lifted that brought clarity to all I had heard.  It started the process that took several days to show me that I want to make some radical changes in my life.

I got to hear Jen Hatmaker in her breakout session “Parenting the Kids You Have, Not the Kid You Were” as well as in the large group setting.  Now, I love her.  I think I love the way she writes because I tend to write/think that way myself.  Adding a little humor to the drudgery of life makes it more bearable to endure the hard times.  She was just incredible, and I took 4 pages of notes as hurriedly as possible and still didn’t get everything down.  I left her session feeling a little offended, a little uncomfortable, and a lot convinced I need a radical change in my life.  She doesn’t beat around the bush about loving Jesus and trying to imitate Him.  She calls it like it is, and that is the way I roll.  I’m sure she has plenty of critics (cause I find that I do!), but she is incredibly effective to those who can get over themselves and see the point she’s trying to make.  I was quite surprised that Lifeway would even put her on the platform to speak.  I think her message is really a threat to traditional church the way we’ve come to know it.  I think she is dead on though in her point.  We spend way too much time entertaining ourselves as Christians and blessing each other than reaching the poor, hopeless, and lost with the love of Christ.  I loved hearing her personal story of changing the way they did things in their home, and that flowing forward into starting a new church because of their radical changes.  Hearing her say that she WANTS the riff raff and homeless eating dinner around her table in her home honestly offended me.  You mean I’m supposed to expose my family to potential danger in the name of Jesus to reach them?  Can’t we just go to them?  You know, it seems obvious that we should be willing to invite the hurting into our homes.  But to hear her say she WANTS that.  That was offensive.  I might have to let go of some sense of control I think I have over the safety of my family for that to happen.  She’s sharing her life with those who need Christ, and I’m still sitting there thinking…well, we could hide the TVs in a locked bedroom while the riff raff are visiting.  What?!?!  I’m so stubborn.  God really has to drill down deep sometimes to get past my craziness to get His point across.  I’m thankful His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.  BTW, that was a song we sang all weekend.  I sat through worship singing the songs and not feeling particularly moved by them at the time.  BUT, God has put those songs in my heart and head and on the radio at crucial times since the weekend and gotten His point across so very well.  I love how He gives me things I will need for the future.  I even made it through a scream crying fit session of the boys by singing that song out loud and keeping a smile on my face.  YES!  Again….not failure as a mother!  Success!  God is gracious and loving toward all He has made.  He might make something of me yet. 

What she did say that all sunk in combined with what the guy was saying about raising my boys was that my boys are going to learn to love and serve Jesus by example and example only.  I can talk at them all I want (which so worked with me as a kid), but they aren’t going to embrace the Jesus that I know so well the way I did.  They need to see His love at work.  So, she said grab a loaf of bread and make some sandwiches and go looking for the homeless as a place to start.  Don’t leave the kids in the car to protect them.  Let them lead the way.  Throw them right out there in the middle of the ministry putting my own faith to the test that He will protect them and use them the way He desires.  Only by modeling this and making this happen will my boys turn into true disciples.  Jen even went a step further…any of you that are pastors hold on to your hats…she even gave us mommas permission to skip a church program to model Jesus to our kids if there was no other time in our schedule to do so!  Radical I tell you.  Radical.  And that is why I love her. 

I’m ready to experience something real and relevant and radical and life changing.  I got Jesus myself a long time ago, so that is settled.  I invite people to church that never come.  I see churches all over doing these big events to draw in the masses.  I see a lot of work and prayer and money put into things that I am just not seeing fruit from.  Yes, it is all worth it if even just one person comes to know Christ.  But is there a better way?  Is there something more worthy of my time that would make more of an impact on eternity than what I’m doing…seeing tens, hundreds, or thousands saved instead of just 1?  The truth is, I feel most like a servant and disciple of Christ when I am taking food to shut ins, mowing a widow’s yard (well, volunteering Eric & Camden and then supervising it), counseling a friend privately on Facebook, gathering donations for someone who’s house burned down, buying items for backpacks for poor children, working Christmas parties for underprivileged children, etc.  I do feel encouraged when I go to church and fellowship with other believers.  I’m just afraid that we have created so many programs that should be making disciples of Christ but aren’t because we’ve not changed as the culture has changed.  I’m not talking about compromising our beliefs or changing the Gospel message.  I just think the days of the lost coming in the doors of the church to find Jesus are over.  I think we need to gather at the church long enough to get a game plan and then go find the lost where they are, prepared to show them the Jesus we talk about.  Talking about Jesus is no longer gonna cut it.  We’ve got to be Jesus with skin on and do His work.  We’ve got to go where he went and not be afraid it will rub off on us and tarnish the glow of our halos.  This goes beyond mission trips.  This is living a missional life.  Jen talked about how her kids changed when they started going and hanging out with homeless people.  Her kids now search for the lonely kid at school or the one causing trouble and try to befriend them to introduce them to Jesus.  I want my kids to want the hassle of dealing with difficult people because the people that are the hardest to love need it the most. 

So, this modeling Jesus business.  How does that work?  How does this translate into my life here everyday.  What can we do differently that is radical and life changing?  Only God knows.  So I’m asking Him.  And I’m waiting for His answer.  I already have a ton of ideas flowing for the summer when I can have all my kids home to do things together.  I have a hard time with just me and the little boys doing things.  It would have to be something that we could do together that they can handle at 4 and 2.  We will find it though.  Our family is going on mission together IN our community.  We invite our family and friends to go with us.  The Bible has a lot to say about taking care of widows, orphans, and the poor.  That has been our focus as a family from the beginning of our marriage…that is where we put our offerings even when we’ve been going through these seasons unable to put a great deal of our time.  The fog is lifting though, and it’s time to reach these people by being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Maybe we will be backing out of some programs to be more involved in other areas our church offers with missions.  I’m looking for something the “Renner, party of 5” can do together.  I look forward to the doors God opens in this radical change. 

I am praying about being strong when this means we have to quit something we are already doing to have time to do this.  My family time is already so guarded.  We are not the family that passes each other on the road while shuffling everyone where they need to be.  We just finished a weird season of a little bit of that due to Eric’s work schedule, and I did not like it in the least bit.  I like my family around the dinner table at night together.  I want my boys to have time every day unscheduled to be kids.  We limit activities and sports, and I just said no to another activity that secretly I had hoped my oldest would be able to do this year.  I just refuse to teach him to be so busy that he has no family life.  I want my three boys to become strong men of Christ who WANT to come home at night from work to kiss their wives, have their kids run up to hug them, sit around the dinner table discussing the day, and still have time to play outside with the kids before bed.  Just like my Eric.  He’s a jewel, and he’s a perfect role model of a great husband and father.  So, we will see how this works.  I do know that one of the speakers (probably Jen H) said that instead of living our lives with a little Jesus sprinkled into our world, we need to live out Jesus in everything we do.  I feel like we try to do that daily already.  I just need to be brave enough to accept the new challenges God sets before us.  Like inviting homeless people to dinner.  Can’t do that until we go meet some.  So, in the coming weeks, I have lots of calls to make to find out what we can do to meet some homeless people as a family.  Eric is big on the Experiencing God theory of joining in on something God is already doing.  So, I’ll be calling up some sweet friends who run rescue missions and see what can be done.  I’ll be marking our calendar to try to make events at Lighthouse Christian Camp (really our heartbeat mission project).  Whatever it is, I want hands on service to become second nature to my children.  Not the once or twice a year big project for Jesus.  

(I cannot hit the publish button without putting a note here about grammar and mechanics.  Gosh.  A red ink pen would bleed all over this thing.  I just tend to write how I think.  One day, I may polish all this stuff up.  It drives me crazy to leave it this way, but I will never, ever get blogging every day if I don't let that go.  Forgive me English teachers!)